I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
