fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
True strength comes from lack of pants
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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