I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
