I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
