2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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