If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
