Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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