some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
