I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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