You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
