i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
