Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I am in a vortex of obligation.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
