you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
