Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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