Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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