I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
