I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
