I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
