I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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