I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
