I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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