Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize