Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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