True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
