no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
