Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
