is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
