Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
