Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
