having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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