Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
