Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
