I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
