I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
