Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
