Michael Bay diarrhea
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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