I wish I could teleport
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
