there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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