It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
