I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
