Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
