I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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