After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
