my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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