Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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