Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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