dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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