She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
