i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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