I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize