you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
