WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
