Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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