so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize