life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
