Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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