How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
