He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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