I like my sex mixed with concussions.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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