He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i need some magic done to my vagina
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
